Good bye MSN....for personal reasons, I am leaving you for someone else. If I do not send you the new blog address, email me at shannonborowski@yahoo.com and I will send it to you. Good bye 

Here are the pictures of Cliff. We had such a great time with him and the boys loved his free spirited personality. Cliff was not out in our backyard more than 5 minutes when a bird decided to leave a little present for him on his shirt!!! LOL 

I will give a quick summary as it was a very busy weekend. Jade's college roomate, Cliff came for a visit. The boys loved having him here and Connor was sad to lose his Wii buddy. I will post pictures.

 

We put up the toddler bed tonight and Jaxson was thrilled to have a "big boy" bed. He went right to sleep and so I am just praying that I don't hear a thud in the middle of night. (I padded the floor with cushions)

 

The swing set was completed with Cliff's help and the boys officially have a "fort" or a "pirate ship" as Connor calls it.

 

Having Cliff here made me reflect on my past experiences as Cliff is going through a divorce right now. Ironic the timing of Cliff's visit as Saturday July 21st was also a nostaglic day for me. I gave birth to my first son on July 21, 1996 and while pondering on Saturday, I was blown away by the realization that it has been 11 years!! I had a friend ask me recently why I don't visit the cemetary when I go home and take flowers to my son's grave. I have been asked why I don't talk about him more often and have been accused of not caring about him because of my lack of emotion about him. I can't explain why I don't like to discuss that part of my life. I do it now because I don't want to appear insensitive and what better way to honor him than to blog in his memory? (ok, I also make jokes when I am in a nervous situation) Truth be told, I do not discuss Jordan because it is painful. That time of my life was very painful and it is my past. It isn't that I have forgotten about him. Any mother knows that you could never forget about a child, especially one that you have lost. I guess I don't want sympathy. I don't discuss that trial in my life because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I am grateful for that experience. I not only gave birth to a beautiful son but losing him made me ask myself questions that lead me in the direction that put me where I am today. Of course I think of how my life would be today if I still had him. It is only natural to wonder why it happened and to imagine how things would be if he was still here but it was not his plan to be here or my plan to have him. One day.......I know that one day I will be with him again. That is one thing I know without a doubt.

Could someone please tell my son Jaxson that getting Mommy up at 6:20 A.M every morning is going to kill her. I wish he could understand that Mommy will spontaneously combust if she has to get up again before the sun.

I am having a low time in my life. I realize that it is totally ridiculous as I have many things to be grateful for. That is the hardest part of life though. Having high expectations for something or someone and realizing that you set the bar too high. I had big plans for my summer and instead of having the wonderful experience that I anticipated having, I had a life changing unhappy time and spent a LOT of money doing so. (hence the reason I have a job now) Ok, I know I am feeling sorry for myself.........I know that there is people out in the world with a lot more misfortune than mine. I will make a list of thankfuls to remind me....

 

I am thankful for:

1. I have two healthy children that bring every emotion into my life I could ever imagine. Getting hugs from little arms is the best feeling in the world.

 

2. I have a home with a roof over my head. My own home that I can decorate and do whatever I want with.

 

3. I have a car that works and provides me transportation to the places that I need or want to visit.

 

4. I do not have bill collectors banging on my doors for payment (yet) I may live paycheck to paycheck but I have enough for the things that we require

 

5. I have a husband that works and provides for our family. He is healthy and can hold a job.

 

6. Flowers. Beautiful flowers growing outside my windows to remind me of God's hand in the worlds creation and that despite the "ugly" things of the world, we have been given beautiful things to remind us that God is there

 

 

Ok, I feel better......I will end with a quote that I found on another blog....

 

 

PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD...

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don't worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
It will all work out.
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers."

-President Hinckley

I imagine that like a scene out of "Toy Story" my children's toys must be freaking out because it is the time of year that I clean out the toy room. I have decided that this room full of toys that is developing cobwebs, must be cleaned out. The baby toys that Jaxson refuses to play with will go first. I am still convincing Jade that the train table needs to be retired since it hasn't been played with in MONTHS!! Jaxson is not a big fan of toys so the room really is a waste. He prefers to "play" with all the "toys" in my cabinets and throughout my house.

Today is the lucky day 7-7-07!!! It is a really lucky day for me as today is my 7 year anniversary!!!!! I have been married to the hubby for seven years today. 7-7-07 for 7 years!!! I should go to Atlantic City! Try my luck. Some highlights of our wedding day seven years ago.....

 

1. The Mount Timpanogos Temple looked beautiful with the mountains behind it and the 101 degree sun beating down on us.

 

2. We lost our marriage license the morning of our wedding and had to race down to the court house to get another one just hours before our marriage ceremony.

 

3. The family being reminded that they were in the temple and to keep their voices to a whisper after the ceremony.

 

4. The sobs from my mother in law when the marriage was made official. LOL. She was losing her baby boy.

 

5. Cliff tapping on his glass every two seconds during the luncheon we had.

 

6. Someone stepping on the edge of my wedding dress and ripping it.

 

7. Looking at a picture of Christ on the wall before I walked into the sealing room and feeling positive that I was about to marry the answer to my prayers.

Well, after three weeks of Utah, we made it back to the "garden state" The flight home went well and I am proud to say that both kids were well behaved. Some highlights of our trip:

 

1. We spent the day at the Scera pool with our friends and finished off our day of fun with snowcones.

 

2. Jaxson split his chin open and now sports a scab that will surely turn into a scar

 

3. GARAGE SALES!

 

4. Seeing and spending time with all our friends

 

 

As much as I love Utah, I was really homesick for Jersey this time. Of course, I spent the night crying last night because I was so sad to leave Utah. I imagined how wonderful my life would be if I could somehow create a neighborhood of my own that combined the mountains of Utah with the green trees of Jersey. I would line my street with all of my friends and family from Jersey and Utah. This trip was bittersweet as I discovered how wonderful my friends really are and some very personal things about myself.

We learned a valuable lesson this week. Kiddie pool does not mean "kittie pool" We bought the boys an swimming pool to cool off from the Utah heat. We thought it would be nice to spend a little extra money and buy the pool with the cover so we wouldn't  have to fill the pool up with fresh water everday. We noticed that the stupid cats were jumping on top of the cover but just ignored it. We woke up the next morning to flat, empty pool that looked like Freddy Krueger played in it. I guess the cover wasn't strong enough to hold 7 cats and we all know how much cats love water. Connor has been walking around all morning saying " Stupid cats"

I am officially on mountain time. I cannot talk about the plane right yet without getting the shudders. I am hoping with some desensitizing theraphy, I will be able to talk about my experience soon. The weather is beautiful and we are having the time of our lives.

This is Connor after playing at his friend Jesse's house. He was VERY dirty and left a dirt ring around the tub.

I found this picture this weekend and couldn't resist putting it on my blog site. Does anyone recognize that man? (Tip: You must click on the picture and read the words printed above his head! LOL)

I am on Utah count down. Only 6 more days. It will be bittersweet to leave Jersey. I am excited to go home and see all of my Utah friends and family but I will really miss my Jersey friends and family that I leave behind.

 

The stye on my eye has stopped causing me pain BUT it has caused a little infection in my eye. Dr. recommends I rinse it today and if it is not better by tomorrow, I will be stopping in for a visit.

 

I am waiting for Rachel to bring over the photos from Nurses Night Out Part 2. When she does, I may post them. It depends on how much trouble they could get me in. LOL

While running last night the following lists came to my mind:

 

Hardest moments in my life:

 

Carrying my baby for nine months and then leaving the hospital without him

Three days later walking into the funeral home and seeing the tiny blue coffin containing my son

The day I left home. I didn't cry until I saw the sign that said "You are now leaving Utah" I cried from Idaho to Montana.

The day I found out I wouldn't be going to high school anymore with my friends

Connor's colic for 6 months and post partum depression

 

Happiest moments of my life

 

My marriage in the temple

That moment I heard Connor's first cry (and I heard it for 6 months straight)

Hearing the words "It's another boy" and holding Jaxson in my arms

Getting accepted into nursing school

Any moment sitting on the deck with my mom laughing

My trip to Mexico with Jade, Stan, and Christine

Hugging my grandma

 

I realized that despite going through some very difficult times, I have been blessed with a lot of happy moments in my life. I tried to be optimistic and think of happy moments to counter act all the hard moments and realized that I can think of a lot of happy moments and although most of them are VERY painful, only a few really difficult times. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot more difficult times that I could list but the happy moments would out weigh them anyday. Our experiences make us who we are. I think of all my happy moments and I would go through all the hard times again if it meant re-living all of my happy moments again. A friend recently e-mailed me and commented that she didn't know how I went through giving birth to Jordan and his death when I was just a kid myself. It made me think of that period of time in my life and how I handled that trial. It was a very difficult time in my life but I think it made me appreciate being a mother even more. I realized how precious life is and now I appreciate being a mother even more. I think God prepares us for trials by giving us trials. As hard as Jordan's death was, I do not think I would have survived those first six months of colic with Connor if I hadn't learned from my trial how precious it is to be a mother. I had a baby that cried for 6 months straight but I was so grateful to just have him that I was in heaven. (I can say that now that it is over ) I guess it is the same with nursing school. It is hard now but hopefully one day I will look back on my experiences and say that they made me a better nurse.

Many people have asked for access to my thoughts. While it may be too much for some to handle, I will share some of my random thoughts that are occuring right now:

 

1. My eye is itching. I think I have a stye (hordeolum if you want to be medically techincal) I want to scratch my eye like crazy and think that a nice Q-tip with the cotton removed would feel so nice but I am a nurse in training. I know that I should not touch the eye to avoid spreading infection and that Q-Tips should NEVER be inserted into the eye. (The best nursing partner in the world taught me this) But I must admit that I did insert a Q-Tip into my eye about two weeks ago. I went out walking and something flew into my eye. (not this one that is currently inflicted, it was the other one) It was driving me crazy feeling like something was in there so I came home and got a Q-Tip and tried to swab the annoying offender out. I never found what was causing me so much pain. It lasted for three annoying days and then went away. I now have to admit that I just rubbed the H-E-C-K out of my eye but don't worry, I washed my hands after. I just had to get a little relief. I am so happy that I do not suffer from eczema because I could not resist scratching. I hate being itchy anywhere and enjoy the feeling of relief when you just give in and SCRATCH! That is why I am covered in scars from my poison ivy breakouts.

 

2. My poison ivy. I love New Jersey BUT I hate poison ivy. I have it yet again on my toes. Do not ask me how I got it on my toes. I do not know. I imagine I must have walked too close to a bush of poison ivy with my flip flops on. Why do I have to be so sensitive to poison ivy? I love the state of New Jersey except for poison ivy and ticks. I will not even ramble on about ticks and my FEAR and obsession with Lyme's disease.

 

3. My obsessions-I am a controller-to some extent. When it gets too overwelming, I just want to lay down and pretend death but for the most part, I like to control how things are running in my home and in my life. I think that is why I had such a hard time when I first had Connor. I do not like having someone control when I get up in the morning. Jade asked me today if I hear the song "There is sunshine in my soul today" when I wake up in the morning. I think the song that better describes how I feel when I wake up in the morning is from the Doors. "This is the End" I am not a morning person.

 

4. School-Do I want to be a nurse? I sure hope so because school is costing me a fortune but do I have enough compassion and patience to be a nurse? (To my friends:Please do not answer that, you know me) Sometimes I watch Desperate Housewives (now you all know I am sinner) and wonder if being a housewife is the true career for me. I mean, hey, look at how nice those housewives look.

 

5. Who knows me? I wonder how many people really know the true me. It isn't that I am a hypocrite that pretends to be someone else around different people but I wonder how many people really know my likes and dislikes. I did send a survey around about a month ago to quiz all my friends to see who would get the highest score. Those people who passed know who they are because I still talk to them. The rest of you, now you know why I haven't returned your phone calls or e-mails. LOL I was pleased with what people knew about me. I sit here wondering.........how many of you know my middle name? and can you spell it correctly? (my husband can't as evidenced by Connor's blessing certificate) So, let's see how smart you are......comment me and tell me my middle name if you know it.

I read a newspaper article on the internet this morning about a man with a resistant case of TB that snuck into the U.S. from the Canadian border. It seems this man did not look like a big enough threat so he was allowed back into the U.S. despite the fact that his passport had an international hold on it, barring him from entering the U.S. This incident has made officials wonder if security at the Canadian borders is too lax. This just made my head spin. I cannot count the "incidents" we have had at the U.S./Canadian borders. I have been searched, my car has been searched, I have been told by U.S. officials that they would burst into my home and take away my Canadian husband even with my children crying for their daddy, and..........this is the kicker. On one of our trips, Jade forgot his U.S immigration papers. We pulled up to the window and heard the same words we hear everytime "Please pull your car to the side lot and come inside." Once in the office we were interviewed by a man who looked like The Rock. After many questions and explainations we were told, "Sorry, we cannot allow you into the United States." I was VERY upset and said "WHAT? You cannot allow me into the United States? I am a U.S. citizen." He then explained to me that I was a potential threat because I was trying to get into the U.S. with this Canadian with no papers. I was furious! Before I opened my mouth to let him have it, I looked up at the wall and hanging there was a lifesize picture of our U.S president. (to avoid nasty comments, I will not say which one it was) The thought suddenly occured to me that maybe being out of the U.S. wasn't such a bad thing! We were eventually allowed back into the U.S. after some phone calls were made to confirm that Jade was in fact a B.Y.U. student and not a Canadian terrorist. I must admit that I am terrified by the thought of security getting any tighter at the Canadian border as evidenced by my examples of past experiences. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if they stepped up security. I wonder if I look like a terrorist. Maybe I get so nervous from our past experiences that it makes me look guilty. I cannot imagine for the life of me, why we always get stopped. I am dying to get a look at the computer screen when they pull my passport up. It must contain some message or warning. Maybe they think I am smuggling canadian alcohol into the United States. (I really have no clue why they would think that)

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. I had the best grandma in the world (if you disagree with me, well, those are fighting words) I have so many fond memories of my grandma. She was the nicest, most giving person I have ever met in my life. She was my best friend. As a child, I had more fun playing with grandma than the kids in the neighborhood. She would ride a bike with me, bake cookies, let me color on the walls (if that is what my little heart desired), feed me cookies and pudding, take me to the movies and the zoo, she built and igloo with me, we had sleepovers, she signed detention notes for me in junior high so I wouldn't get in trouble with my parents, paid speeding tickets for me in high school so I didn't get in trouble, gave me hugs when I was crying, let me have it when I needed it, and loved me unconditionally. The day my grandma died it broke my heart. And at her funeral, I cried so hard I broke a blood vessel in my nose and missed half of the services because I was in the bathroom with the worst bloody nose I have ever experienced. I miss her very much and would have loved for her to meet Jaxson and to be at my graduation when I finish nursing school. Five years ago, I went to grandma's house and recorded her talking about all her childhood memories. I listen to that tape and when I hear her laugh, it makes me remember my childhood and how much fun I had with her. Here are some of my fondest memories of grandma:

 

1. The night she took me, Shauntae, and Skyler to the movies. She was wearing her high heels and one of them got caught in a crack in the cement. She fell and didn't get back up. She laid on the cement and we all thought she was really hurt. We soon found out, she was just fine. She was just too embarressed to get back up.

 

2. I pestered her to play with her crystal castle. I wanted to wash it in the sink but she told me I would break it. I bothered her until she finally gave in and let me have my way. Of course I dropped it in the sink and broke it. I started crying and she gave me a hug and told me it was ok.

 

3. Grandma loved Willie Nelson. She would turn his music on and dance around the house. I will NEVER hear the song "On the Road Again" without thinking of her

 

4. Hearing Grandma and Grandpa lovingly yell at each other. I imagine they are in heaven yelling at each other right now.

 

5. Being young and pregnant. I told grandma first and she put her arm around me and told me everything would be ok.

 

6. Sweeping leaves in grandma's yard with Skyler because she told us that elves lived under the leaves. She told us that if we raked them fast enough, we might catch one on our rakes.

 

7. The witch that lived in grandma's kitchen. She told us that it would watch us and see if we were doing naughty things. She moved the witch to different places in her kitchen and told us that the witch could fly. As children, it scared the heck out of us as we really believed that ugly witch was flying around the kitchen.

 

8. Taking Grandma to Wendover. She loved to gamble so I drove her there one weekend. I couldn't keep up with her. I finally went to bed at 3 AM and she was still sitting at the slot machines. I remember the hat she wore when she was gambling.

 

9. Seeing grandma holding Jordan and 7 years later, holding Connor.

 

10. The last time I saw grandma. Even with end stage dementia, I gave her a hug and when I pulled away from her, she was crying. I knew that she remembered me.

 

11. Hearing Grandma call me "Shanny"

Today I have been thinking of all the times of sickness when I was a child. I remember my mom making me soup and bringing me popsicles when my throat was sore. NEVER do you realize the sacrifice a mother goes through for a sick child until you have one of your own. Connor started coughing last night about 11:30 P.M. and coughed until 1:30 A.M. I was tired and cranky yet, I crawled out of bed and laid next to him. I patted and rubbed his back while he coughed in my face, each time projecting tiny droplets of saliva contaminated with sick germs. How many of us have stayed up during the witching hours of the night rocking a sick baby? Or crawled out of bed to change a bed and child covered in vomit? While reflecting on my own mother I had an epiphany. Suddenly everything became clear. My strongest childhood memories of sickness are of my mom soaking rags in alcohol and pinning them to my P.J's to calm a cough. Now that I think about it, I think she was trying to get me drunk. Suddenly, that explains EVERYTHING! The dark side of me can't help but wonder if my mom is in fact a genius. As I lay next to Connor for the second night in a row with saliva droplets being propelled into my face, I ask myself.......Should I get him drunk? LOL

 

 

 

 

P.S. I want to point out that no children were ever harmed from pinning alcohol to pajamas to calm a cough. (We do have to wonder about cousin Shawn who is a raging alcoholic now. He liked to suck on the rag as a child....things that make you go hmmmm)

As impossible as it seems, I really don't have much to say today. Instead, I put some new photos on for your viewing pleasure. Look in the album.