Confessions from a neurotic mother

Good bye MSN....for personal reasons, I am leaving you for someone else. If I do not send you the new blog address, email me at shannonborowski@yahoo.com and I will send it to you. Good bye 

Here are the pictures of Cliff. We had such a great time with him and the boys loved his free spirited personality. Cliff was not out in our backyard more than 5 minutes when a bird decided to leave a little present for him on his shirt!!! LOL 

I will give a quick summary as it was a very busy weekend. Jade's college roomate, Cliff came for a visit. The boys loved having him here and Connor was sad to lose his Wii buddy. I will post pictures.

 

We put up the toddler bed tonight and Jaxson was thrilled to have a "big boy" bed. He went right to sleep and so I am just praying that I don't hear a thud in the middle of night. (I padded the floor with cushions)

 

The swing set was completed with Cliff's help and the boys officially have a "fort" or a "pirate ship" as Connor calls it.

 

Having Cliff here made me reflect on my past experiences as Cliff is going through a divorce right now. Ironic the timing of Cliff's visit as Saturday July 21st was also a nostaglic day for me. I gave birth to my first son on July 21, 1996 and while pondering on Saturday, I was blown away by the realization that it has been 11 years!! I had a friend ask me recently why I don't visit the cemetary when I go home and take flowers to my son's grave. I have been asked why I don't talk about him more often and have been accused of not caring about him because of my lack of emotion about him. I can't explain why I don't like to discuss that part of my life. I do it now because I don't want to appear insensitive and what better way to honor him than to blog in his memory? (ok, I also make jokes when I am in a nervous situation) Truth be told, I do not discuss Jordan because it is painful. That time of my life was very painful and it is my past. It isn't that I have forgotten about him. Any mother knows that you could never forget about a child, especially one that you have lost. I guess I don't want sympathy. I don't discuss that trial in my life because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I am grateful for that experience. I not only gave birth to a beautiful son but losing him made me ask myself questions that lead me in the direction that put me where I am today. Of course I think of how my life would be today if I still had him. It is only natural to wonder why it happened and to imagine how things would be if he was still here but it was not his plan to be here or my plan to have him. One day.......I know that one day I will be with him again. That is one thing I know without a doubt.

Could someone please tell my son Jaxson that getting Mommy up at 6:20 A.M every morning is going to kill her. I wish he could understand that Mommy will spontaneously combust if she has to get up again before the sun.

I am having a low time in my life. I realize that it is totally ridiculous as I have many things to be grateful for. That is the hardest part of life though. Having high expectations for something or someone and realizing that you set the bar too high. I had big plans for my summer and instead of having the wonderful experience that I anticipated having, I had a life changing unhappy time and spent a LOT of money doing so. (hence the reason I have a job now) Ok, I know I am feeling sorry for myself.........I know that there is people out in the world with a lot more misfortune than mine. I will make a list of thankfuls to remind me....

 

I am thankful for:

1. I have two healthy children that bring every emotion into my life I could ever imagine. Getting hugs from little arms is the best feeling in the world.

 

2. I have a home with a roof over my head. My own home that I can decorate and do whatever I want with.

 

3. I have a car that works and provides me transportation to the places that I need or want to visit.

 

4. I do not have bill collectors banging on my doors for payment (yet) I may live paycheck to paycheck but I have enough for the things that we require

 

5. I have a husband that works and provides for our family. He is healthy and can hold a job.

 

6. Flowers. Beautiful flowers growing outside my windows to remind me of God's hand in the worlds creation and that despite the "ugly" things of the world, we have been given beautiful things to remind us that God is there

 

 

Ok, I feel better......I will end with a quote that I found on another blog....

 

 

PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD...

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don't worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
It will all work out.
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers."

-President Hinckley